I’ve been feeling a lot of self hatred energy, emotions, stories, limiting beliefs coming up this week.
I felt that many people were feeling this way, so I wanted to start the conversation.
You might not notice it at first, but you aren’t exercising enough or eating only beautiful, thriving foods. You’re not doing all the things that make you the most happy. You realize that you are mad at yourself.
Once you catch yourself you can choose to live in the pain or see it as a gift to bring you out of the shadows. Explore it, see where it comes from, and embrace it.
Fear of being attacked came up strongly for me (fear of getting into trouble). The fear that I might be doing something wrong, so I will be exposed, humiliated, annihilated.
“The woman, who, being really on the way, falls upon hard times in the world will not, as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers her refuge and comfort and encourages her old self to survive. Rather, she will seek out someone who will faithfully and inexorably help her to risk herself, so that she may endure the suffering and pass courageously through it. Only to the extent that woman exposes herself over and over to annihilation, can that which is indestructible arise within her. In this lies the dignity of daring.”* – Karl Von Durkheim (*I changed the pronouns to the feminine.)
Looking at the fear of humiliation, annihilation is intense.
But that is where acceptance comes in, acceptance of all that you are. Embracing every part of you.
You can see yourself.
It’s a part of you that needs to be reunited with your whole, the whole of Unity. Everything in the world is a part of everything else.
We are all intricately connected.
Then the energy became fear of being misunderstood and then attacked.
Fear of being misunderstood.
It has happened to me a lot. Why have I attracted those experiences to me?
Desire to be misunderstood– get full blank square here
- So I don’t have to be clear
- An excuse
- I don’t speak the same language
- My facial features are misunderstood
- To create conflict, and or control because I can change it to suit my needs
- To be weird, odd, abstract
- I’m not clear in my own mind so I can’t be clear with others
My mind is jumbled
How do I unjumble it? Doing everything that makes me feel great.
- take care of yourself
- good food
- having fun…..
Balancing in the sweet spot, reciprocal tension. (Listen to an audio on reciprocal tension.)
Reciprocal tension feels good.
My tension is fucked up.
It is too slack and too taught.
No one is able to stand up.
In finding my reciprocal tension I realize that I am scared of myself.
What patriarchal program is that?
- Women can’t be trusted.
- They aren’t strong enough to do it on their own.
- They need a man.
- We are unpredictable, can’t be trusted with our own responsibility, needing guidance as a child
- Can bring great change if let free
Can bring great change if let free.
Fear of being free – get full blank square here
- Unpredictable, no fucking idea what is going to happen
- What if I fail, fall, can’t get back up – this is where I have been for a while.
I’m wobbling to my feet, walking hunched over, each step is an effort, wobbling, holding on to whatever I can, to help me stand.
I became frozen, knocked to the ground, unable to move, only able to feel pain for a long time, years. Time slips from me at a rapid rate. Days slide into months and then I become aware of its existence. There is so much fear.
Fear of Falling.
Desire to fall/fail – get full blank square here
- So I can go back home
- I’m so tired, I can just fall and it will be better, at least I can rest
- I don’t have any more to give
- I am empty to this world
I have become suffocated from that life. I am just beginning to be able to gasp for air. Time has echoed between seconds and years.
Time has echoed between seconds and years.
I believe time traveling was the big bang to my current situation. It set off so many mouse traps.
I’m stuck in the mouse traps. At least they are not bear traps.
There were many traps set by myself and by others, that I allowed. It was all my choice.
Self hatred – the traps that you have set for yourself when you approach the edge.
The edge of your experience, of where you feel safe and comfortable.
This is the fear of the unknown.
Fear of the unknown – get full blank square here
- You might die, get hurt, become lost
- Realize that you don’t really exist
- You are not special
Worlds are created
Desires are fulfilled
Beyond the known is what we are craving.
Fear of the unknown
- Stories saying don’t go into the dark, it is dangerous
- You won’t be able to handle it
- You need to be protected by us
- Don’t go in the darkness alone
- Don’t face your shadows
Fear of the dark – get full blank square here
How do we become afraid of the dark as kids?
Is it stories, our parents, or is it a primordial human fear?
So this is where the process lead me to today, fear of the dark. Let’s start the conversation here with the two questions above, or anything that has come up for you while reading this. Comment in the boxes below.
If you want to go beyond that, explore how you are attacking yourself. I would love to hear all of your explorations.